Crap

Woke up by Daddy's snores and found myself tossing and turning trying to sleep. So got up, glanced at the clock, 5am and decided to do some research and readings. Now I'm blogging.

I've no interest in babies and pregnancies talk at the moment. I found myself worrying and thinking hard on how to get through birth. If I'm depressed and feeling shitless scared about it right now at 15 weeks, I don't think I wanna know how I'll feel about it at 30 or 35 weeks. Truth is, we may not be able to continue with the ob and hospital of my choice. And that just scare the crap out of me. I suppose even if my birth experience turn out to be very traumatizing, the thought of knowing that I'll be in good hands is comforting enough. And builds up confidence that I might just make through it. Because I know we've done and gone to the best.

Unfortunately that is not the case. And I worry constantly these past few days leading up to calling Mama. It was supposed to be a casual chat however it ended with me sobbing uncontrollably to her even after our conversation ended. And of course less than 10 minutes later Papa sms-ed words of encouragements. Now I wonder how I'm going to hold up for myself when they're both gone.

Now I'm just trying breathe.
But I still feel crap.