The Internal Exam

Thursday we met the lovely Dr Marlow. And I do mean, lovely =)

Did all the usuals then she asked, "has anyone done internals for you?"
Shook my head.
"We have to do one today, is that okay with you?"
Yeah.
Like I have a choice?

So she whipped me into this other room, I changed and she came back in a minute later.
Told me to relax and inform her when I'm ready.
It wasn't painful. But uncomfortable.
Especially when she pushes deep, deep.

It lasted for 3-5 seconds. Depending on the ob.
She said, "ooh I can feel the head.." then "I can barely push one finger through your cervix. Looks like Cervidil is not for you. We're gonna have to use gel to get you further dilated and Dr Bradbury will come in the next morning to break your waters if you're still not in labour"

I'm confused.
All those pains and cramps were only for 1 or 2cms dilation?
Oh boy..

Though I was ready and Dr Marlow was so nice, this first time having to open my legs to a complete stranger whom I've only met once and with her finger in me turned out to be 'funny' experience. Few hours later, I feel 'violated'. Strange, I know. But I have to be honest, I do feel violated. No one in my entire life as far as I can remember has ever been down there except my husband. Try as I might to be rational and whisk that feeling away, I turned to hubby dearest that night and told him how I felt. He said, "well syg, there's nothing much we can do, you're gonna have to be professional about it"

True.

But still.

Then again, during labour and delivery there'll be few other strangers peeping, poking and stuffing their finger to check so I just have to get this over with. Next time anyone's doing an internal, I've to make sure hubby's around.

Yesterday in the midst of all expectations, anxiety, frustrations, crappy, emotional wreck, in pain that I already am, I lost it. Completely lost it. Cried one whole morning then calmed down. Sure took a whole lot of pressure off me. Temporarily.