I have to admit. After such long delay, I'm finally going to hit the publish button for this draft. It's only half complete but it's draft so the main points are there. Enjoy!
Ahh.. home at last!
Meant to write and blog every detail but of course I was under such anxiety and pain. So this is written the night after we reached home. I promise to include as much detail I can remember of despite feeling it s
Day 1
Apr 20th - Went out to the
Reached hospital at 8.15pm with Nisa and Hamdi. They stayed around til the baby monitor belt was attached to my huge, enormous belly.
Chrissy, a young midwife weighed me and took my blood pressure. Gaye, an older midwife came in together with her few minutes later to fix the baby belt on me.
Another internal exam by the midwife, Gaye. Ouch! It hurts. Seriously. It felt so sore til the next morning when they had to do another one again! Prostaglandin gels inserted at 9.50pm. I was told I've ketones in my urine. They contacted the DE and asked for advise. I need to eat more.
Day 2
Apr 21st - Sore. Susan, the night midwife with such lovely English accent came in to check on me every couple hours. Each time I whispered and groaned to her, "my back's killing me.." and she'll try her best massaging my back while watching the baby's heart rate, my pulse and each contractions that came by. You on the other hand, my baby, was moving about so much it was such an effort to get your heart rate. It kept disappearing from the monitor and they had to move it around so often through out the night.
Nisa, Hamdi, Papa and Mama barged in around 7.30am totally took us by surprise! They stayed for a while. By then I was given something. A pain killer which I don't remember because by then I had showered and sitting on the sofa-bed Daddy had slept in. Mama brought in "air selusuh", "air zam-zam" and some ointment which I didn't use any since the belt was on my belly. Oh and by now I've a wireless belt on me instead so I was mobile and able to move around better. I think the wireless belt is much more accurate.
With some mild pain killers given, Dr Bradbury came in at around 8am to check my dialation. It hurts so much. Ketones still very high.
Susan internal - somewhere around 5am. hurts. small fingers don't work. daddy's theory. Susan gave pain killers. she brushed my forehead with her hand and gave soothing words.
7.30am - Bradbury will come at 8am. internal. they promised it won't hurt as much but it definitely did! those damn pain killers didn't work as much i thought it would. dr can feel baby's head. i was only 1cm dialated! gosh this internal was the most weird sensation i've ever felt my entire life. i'd never ever forget the feeling. i could feel her finger pushing up and down my cervix and baby's head in an attempt to see if there'd be any changes to her heart rate.
Dr said to give a couple of hours to see if i'd dilate more.
I am given apple juice to help with ketones. At 1030am the anaesthesist Dr Perks came in to asisst the God-sent epidural. he explained in detail all procedures and what to expect. he puts a drip in. Gaye held my hand and put me into position. By this time I wasn't in much pain which is good. The first time it went into the "epidural area" but missed a few "veins" (i think) and i didn't feel the tingle in my right leg so he tried again the second time and it worked! he also said i was good and didn't move an inch so everything went well. Yea of course it did hurt but i gritted my teeth and I find easier to manage a few stinging pin-prick poke than the throbbing and painful "internal exams".
so then dr bradbury came in again to break my waters. the epidural wasn't working fully yet so it did feel somewhat painful while she "grazed" up my cervix to rupture the membrane. but i bet if i wasn't on any pain killers, it would've hurt like mad. after my waters broke, it gushed a little. another sensation hard to be put into words. they slabbed giant pads to soak the waters and after few more minutes later, it flooded the bed! by couple of hours, my belly seemed to have reduced its size by 1/3.
we watched an episode of fringe and i slept half way through. at this point gaye came in and actually sat in with us monitoring the paper attached to the monitor. Ketones gone.
330pm - gaye changed shift and julia replaced her. gaye explained everything on the paper to julia and even tore some readings for dr bradbury. julia came back in few minutes later, held my hand and told me to be prepared to be sent 'upstairs' (operating theatre). they're not happy with baby's heart rate readings and even by the act of wiggling her head with dr bradbury's finger didn't change baby's heart rate. they'd love to see baby's heart rate go up and down with the contractions but nothing's happening. by the looks of the machine, i'm already strongly contracting every 2 minutes and baby's heart rate is high all the time. however, if i am at least 8cm dialated then they're happy to let me deliver vaginally. i told julia, "at this point, i'll take anything..!"
at 345pm dr bradbury came in again to do another internal. by now the epidural has kicked in on full swing mode so though i was so so concern about the pain, julia held my hand, tried to look at me in the eye and promised me that i wouldn't feel a bit. when dr bradbury insert her finger and and wiggle about, i relaxed and said, "i should learn to trust you all more" and smiled :) unfortunately i was not dialating at all and baby's heart rate seemed to have been constantly high.
dr bradbury explained as best she could why she's deciding on an emergency c-sect right away. i agreed and she gathered people for the operation while i signed a form. Julia handed Daddy a blue uniform to change into (in the bathroom in the delivery room so he wasn't ushered away from me), few minutes later he came out looking all blue with a glint of worry in his eyes. somehow, honestly, i wasn't worried at all. wasn't even scared, really. i just somehow found some strength, i suppose, that i'm in good hands and it'll be allright. I'm more nervous and scared at the thought of meeting you for the first time. i just don't know why. it's more nerve-wrecking to me than going under the knife! i guess i just don't know what i'll do or what to say when i see you. but i don't know. i felt so very nervous and scared to meet you.
4pm - wheeled into the operating theatre. a different anaesthetist, Dr B.D. Egan, a much older, interviewed me briefly for my medical history, then helped me take off my necklace. chrissy, julia and daddy never left my side. Julia gave me a solution that's so yucky, i swear to never trust her again. it's for my belly so i won't get heartburn or anything like that during and after the operation. then they wheeled me into this white operating room where there's at least 13 people around working at the same time. they moved me from my bed to the operating table and commented how small i am that it doesn't feel like they're lifting someone with a baby. mind you, australians are very large in comparison. i guess by now seeing how they're all working in haste and everyone seemed so busy in their own tasks made me feel really scared. it looked like if they dont do what they're supposed to do at the right time, in the right way, something terrible would happen. so they're all focused and very serious ever so often i'd look at daddy.
Told Dr Egan to inform me once they start opening me up. And when the time comes, he said 'relax, they're going in now'. I didn't feel a thing. They chat and talked about the anaesthetist's newborn grandchild and I congratulate him. Dr Egan kept on asking how I'm doing several times. Very sweet. Then he informed me the baby's coming out any minute now. Suddenly a rush of moment where they asked Daddy to stand up and take a picture of the "crowning" moment (where your head emerges). Few seconds later Dr Bradbury held you up high so I get a look at you.
That one look. That image will never ever fade in my mind.
Most historical moment in our lives.
Your scrunched up face, chubby cheeks, tummy and thighs.
You weren't making a sound so I asked why aren't you crying. The anaesthetist said, "don't worry, sometimes they don't." And then you let out one single short cry. Then accompanied by a sneeze. Later you started crying while Dr Powers check your Apgar scores. Daddy was by your side this whole time then he cuts your umbilical cord. For some reason although I could only see Dr Powers behind while he does all the necessary checks on you, I couldn't get myself looking anywhere else. And yes, I had tears in my eyes. Wasn't sobbing but they just kept on coming. Soon you were put in my arms and oh my god. I said hi, baby. And that's all I remember while I look at you. You look just like Daddy. You looked at me. You looked very mysterious. But you didn't close your eyes. You just kept on looking. Then I looked at Daddy and he too has tears in his eyes (although he most probably won't admit to this).
Few minutes later Dr Bradbury's assistant, Dr Ross Sweet, said he's going to press my upper abdomen. I'm not sure why but I remember him saying something about getting "everything out". After a while, I felt this stabbing pain in my abdomen. Told Daddy to take you, and inform the team my chest hurts.
slept with us. we didn't wake up middle of the night. although i'm sure you must've made some grunts or grumbles in the middle of the night for a feed.
Day 3
Apr 22nd - a bit yellow-ish. put on the brightest part of the room. baby cranky whole night. didn't want to sleep in cot. fed, burped, changed, picked up, etc etc. laid her on my lap while she coo-ed and talked to herself and fell asleep with her on my lap.
I woke up in the morning to find baby not with me. I'm sure someone had woke me up earlier and said something about taking the baby to the nursery but I'm not sure. Daddy's still sleeping and snoring. With much crazy hormones, I get emotional and broke down. Somehow I felt like I'm not being a competent mother, letting the baby go to the nursery to be taken care of instead. I was so convinced they took her away so I could get some sleep, and I had agreed to this because I was too sleepy to handle baby. How irrational.
Apr 23rd - baby jaundice. 1130am. into incubator. to nursery.
Apr 24th - bad news. milk came in. baby back into incubator. dr powers rang to deliver the news. they suspect baby has billiary artesia. susan and chrissy consoled.
Apr 25th - the wait for dr powers. whole day. delivered more unpleasant news. well more like explaining what's going on and what he suspects.
know what made my heart melts?
thinking softly in my mind to always be proud and tell you how proud i am of you then seeing you smiling at the same exact moment in your sleep. priceless.
Apr 26th - good news! going home!
Special thanks and gratitude to all midwives at Burnside Hospital. Especially both my main midwives, Gaye for holding my hand and constantly reassuring me throughout the whole ordeal (not to forget whom made me laugh =), and Julia for being there with me in the OR. Also to name a few, the rest of them, the lovely Susan whom consoled and brushed my forehead during labour and when the bad news came in, the luscious and beautiful hair Chrissy for being such understanding and was there with me since Day 1, Berni for being such a character we both adore and love, Celia for the most successful breat-feeding advise for me, Nuala whom taught me how to bathe baby, Rhyll, Lynette, Linda and so many others.
The CrowningWelcome, Mia Dahlia.
Mommy and Daddy loves you!
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